its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
