when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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