can u get pink eye on your cock?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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