Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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