just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
