I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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