this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
