I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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