a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
