I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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