I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
