I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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