oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
