I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
