Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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