You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
