but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
