Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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