I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
