Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
