just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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