oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
