I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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