My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
