It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
