You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
