If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
