Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
as a side note pls kill me
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
