Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize