are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I want her autograph on my taint
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
