I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
