found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
