I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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