I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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