I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Are we still banned from the library?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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