Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
