o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You've changed since you got that strap on
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
