Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
