Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
