Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
