Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
