She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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