he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
