You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
