I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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