I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
