My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
