alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
