i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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