I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Randomize
