forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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