you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
