If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
