I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
