I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize