look no pants
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
