her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
