FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
