Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
