I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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