I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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